Keep Moving

Well, it has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. A lot has happened. Our sweet little angel passed away on January 6, 2011 in her sleep. I was working that day and was getting ready to go on my last break when I was told that my family was in the lobby waiting for me. Immediately I knew something was wrong, my family lives in Provo, and my job was in downtown SLC. The head supervisor of the company came in to escort me downstairs, we got in the elevator and I asked him what was going on. His reply, "I don't know sweetie but its not good". My heart dropped. I worked on the 15th floor so it was a long way down, when we got to the lobby I was escorted to a back room. Standing in the room was a police officer and two women who I knew to be social workers. They asked me to sit down and immediately I started screaming and asking what was going on. They told me that Desirae had passed and I remember a noise coming out of my mouth, loud, almost unhuman like. I got really lightheaded and as the social workers tried to comfort me I pushed them away and told them there was a mistake. The story goes on from here but really the rest of the day is a blur. It's amazing how quickly life can change and how fast those we love become untangible. I have been through my share of pain but nothing compares to the loss of a child. It is so easy to be mad at God when something so horrible happens. I wasn't. I thank God that my faith was strong enough for me to know that God is in control and there are no mistakes. I know without a doubt that my angel is in a great place, I know that I will see her again, and I know that she lives in my heart. I also know with all of my heart that God has my back. I'm reminded of a story about a person walking through the sand and they see two sets of footprints, theirs and God's. They keep walking and seeing both sets of footprints, things start to get difficult, and at first they continue to see both sets of footprints. Suddenly, there is only one set of footprints and things are pretty difficult. The person gets upset and starts to complain that God has left them, eventually they realize that the one set of footprints belongs to God and He is carrying them. God has carried me from the moment I found out about Desirae passing and continues to carry me now. I may not fully understand the reason that Desirae left this world one day before she was five months, but I know that her life was not in vain. Yes, the pain is unbearable at times, yes somedays I want to throw in the towel, and yes I miss her every second of the day. Despite all of that I trust My Father enough to know that there is a purpose. If God brings you to a situation, He will bring you through the same situation. Desirae served many purposes in her short five months, some I am aware of and some I learn as I go. She changed my life, she was the vessel that God used to help guide me toward my true purpose in life! No matter what the days feel like, no matter how unbearable the pain feels, I pray that I when this life is over for me, I will meet my Savior, God, and my loved ones again. I know that the joy that day will bring will outweigh any pain that I can feel on this earth. For that reason, my husband and I keep moving and take everything day by day.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.